My mind is racing. This heart needs pacing.

So you have your barbeques. Only this wasn't ... let me start again.

I went to a non-barbeque on friday. Ate some good ol' delicious vegitarian food like made back home. Not that I'm a vegetarian (and something that I'm mildly proud of for varied reasons), but it was very enjoyable eating. Afterwards, my hosts, their guests and I played poker. Which was also enjoyable. I made 45 cents on the night where others lost the fortunes with which they began their card-playing evening. So I felt good on that level.

There were, of course, other factors. As there always are. And they made things ... difficult. Nothing apparent and nothing on the surface. But within, I was screaming because I hated it. I wanted to leave and be the smaller man. Hide back in a comfort zone where I wouldn't have to face what I would generally consider unnecessary shit. To be broken down so subtly into my most basic elements. To feel so ... unimportant. By people/things that I would not wish to be subjected to.

Perhaps it was not that bad. For everyone concerned, it was a pleasant and fun-filled evening. But let it be known to those who would know what the hell I'm talking about (and I do not mean to let this be known to anyone at any time) that inside I felt deconstructed and broken. Weakened in the face of something that cared less than I could hope to.

But back to reality. The present and the future and whatever lies between and beyond. I look forward to the future. the near future. Some exciting moments ahead for me. Ones that will shake me and tire me. Others that will rack my nerves and set them on a level of high alert and tension the likes of which I have not felt for a very long time. But that is only natural.

There is no reference that I wish to make. Nothing cryptic that I have lodged within my mind that I am looking to unload upon this page, to be decoded and deciphered by the most determined reader amongst us. At least I hope that there is nothing that will be understood. That my thoughts may indeed remain secret at this time. There is much that I wish to not speak of. And yet ...

I was treated to a viewing of the Da Vinci Code. I will say that I believe in its necessity as a means of questioning that which must be. If one truly believes in the sanctity and validity of their faith, even this most superficial of fictional questioning is necessary. If not, then perhaps the truth must be sought after. But then I'm not a subscriber to any of these religious schools at any rate and I hope that I shall not be.

Unquestionably so, at any rate, I am excited. Very.

Till next the cool air blows across swollen flesh and the mind recoils into darkness.