Is it, really?

I ponder and wonder and seek to speak from under a mile high, under a darkened and stormy sky.

I've been meaning to return to this ... place for a while. More so because I've felt the desire to type. Not too sure what brought it up - perhaps the small bouts of typing during the course of the week and its work. But hey, at least I'm here now. Listening to Tool, of course. 10,000 days, of course as well. This year may not have as Many great releases as last year in terms of music, but it's more than made up for it with just this one album. And that's completely ignoring the fantastic work of Pearl Jam and what I've heard of the upcoming Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

The new RHCP does remind me of folk. Well, one in particular. Not the one you'd think, at any rate, but ... not sure who you'd be thinking, to be completely fair, but ... yes, it does. Like a - I'll skip the metaphor. It just reminds me of people, person. Whatever.

I've been fortunate to have a really good week at work. Thursday was just fucking magnificent. I told myself it would be and with utter determination, I made it work for myself and then everything just fit together in the most beautiful way. Today wasn't quite as spectacular, but it was still a great day. Stuff was accomplished. The weekend is upon me and I'm really happy. Not about anything in particular. When I reflect upon the things that I would ... look for to make me happy - I see not those things. They are distant and beyond any feasible reach. No ... I lie. It's within my reach if I were to once and for all actively pursue it. Not the consequence of happiness - just the possibility of reaching it.

It could be worse. This is what I tell myself, in case you were wondering why I would have the temerity to use such a trite and boring phrase. I don't quite believe that it "could" be worse, until I actually sit down and analyze it. And then it's clear that it could be far, far, worse - and that's only what I can imagine in a 5 second period of time.

There was a time in my life when I could listen to people. And listen. And listen some more. And then, at the end of it all, offer proper and perfect suggestions/advice. Words that they would not turn down because they were rooted in such compelling intelligence. I "lost" the "ability" years ago. I just remember it every now and again when the opportunity falls upon me to say something at these times. And the words that emerge are merely shadows of the former constructions of wisdom that flowed through my mind so naturally.

I try not to speak much when I can avoid it. Not being unsociable. I would rather attempt to listen than speak. Really hear these words that fly past my head with unclouded judgement. To take in and absorb every syllable contained within the thoughts expressed thus. But I suppose others don't wish to speak just to be heard as much as I would have thought. Guessed and surmised.

Wait.

Yes.

I'll wait some more.

I'd like to say as long as I have to. More like as long as I can before I give up.

That's the question - the question today - the question of my self-worth. It cropped up at some point and I realized that it was an interesting focal point. What is my self-worth? I'm not quite sure how it should be phrased as far as questions go, but it is a worthy one all the same. I have my problems with self-esteem. But self-worth. This feels like something else. How valuable am I to this world or aspects of it that I am associated with. I would like to know. More so, to know this value within the context of my own mind. To exert pressure to improve this worth at every turn. Alter the matrix as I see fit. ... No, not some megalomaniacal idea. More of a desire to improve, take the next step forward and ... achieve a higher degree of happiness. Find this thing that I am supposedly waiting for.

I loved Forrest Gump. Correction - I love Forrest Gump. It stands as one of my favorite films that I've ever seen.

But now i feel mildly tired. I'll continue to wait. But I will end this here. At the WTF note that we all love so dearly - wonder what may lie in the pot.

Till the beauty of the sound of this keyboard becomes an obsession once more.