Trepidation

There is this hesitancy in the air. I'm on the verge of something. Perhaps I'm already there, but I don't want to admit it yet. Just in case it all falls through and shatters my fragile heart once more. Oh - boo hoo - no, I would not like some cheese with this whine.

So I have landed for those of you keeping track of my life. Landed with enough fanfare to do me justice at this point. And it's good to be here. Away from the other stuff. In the midst of new and old stuff that hasn't changed too much. Especially idiot cats.

I'd say that it's annoying when people ask you questions about this stuff. But it isn't that annoying. It's annoying that I am unable to provide the answers that they want for fear of my own shattering soul. That's a cool phrase - the Shattering Soul. It seems too good to be true and I don't think I shall entirely believe it until it's happening and the immediacy cannot be ignored any longer.

But in conversations, when the brain is tired, stuff leaks out and it's like a bomb has been dropped. Well, not really. No bomb here. Just a confused me. As always. If it's not one surprise from across the planet, then it's something else that's not really surprising, but curious to learn. It makes me feel a bit more comfortable with my humanity, this constant weakness to move away from. Humanity brings fallacy and the awkwardness of dealing with one's errors.

Helplessness - When there is nothing that one can physically do to alter one's fate.

Perhaps mentally/psychologically too, but the use of physically is rather to suggest the real and tangible hardship/obstacle that cannot be overcome through the most primal of forces.

Sooner or later, you have to dive right in. You can't hold on to every possibility in case one falls through. Just let go and take that bold step into the uncertain present and future. If you must inevitably burn treasured bridges and break special hearts, so be it - is that not the way?

As the dust settles once more, the clouds ahead promise rain and all the joy that comes with it. Of everything else, this pat of my roots, I do not deny and I refuse to leave behind. I cherish the rain, not this bastard sun. Few would agree with me, but I would rather go for timid or raging passion than the lazy lust that is our local star.

So after all this, I can say in clear terms that I am scared. Scared of what might go wrong when it looks so right. Scared of losing something that's important enough to the me that is I lest I do not act soon enough. Somehow cross the line and set the record straight.

Tell me that there is something more to this than an unending stream of ideals and hopes and dreams. From the mouth of madness, I speak, yearning to be in a place where calmness is my chaos. In utter despair, I scream out and wonder, ponder, consider - what could be and what lies ahead. For even though I have an inkling, a clue and a possibility of what may be - deep within my head - I know not. I cannot. This is where I stand, confused and ... I really should not be. Jubilation, ecstasy, is not mine, not yet. Is reality what it really is or is it about to turn once more. Like a leaf in the wind, swaying and holding me in ts unsteady path? I dare not speak to the temptress that is the fates lest she jinx me once more in this holy pursuit of a dream. And yet there's the other that's still too distant but greed makes me hungry for the illusory to be real once more. As day fades and night sets in, I question the words that drive this moment of passion. And I see no answer to the question that has not yet been asked. Surprise, surprise.

Till it operates itself under candle-lit skies.