Against All Reason

It's time for a change of pace. An alternate route through the written path that I tread on an irregular basis at this place. Where you join me in a mental search for yet another question that I refuse to see the answer for. And it's something that I do appreciate, as much as I doubt your existence.

I am the TV
Cause Tragedy Fills Me
Whatever Flavor
It happens to be

Today, I want to write about sadness. I want to convey to you - yes, you and only the you that is here at this second - an immense sadness and pain. I want you to feel the bittersweet treasure that is existence. That is losing everything you love in a moment, left with nothing but the most precious of memories - memories that would survive for fifty lifetimes let alone a measly one.

I need to watch things die
From a safe distance
Vicariously, I
Live while the whole world dies

This is my quest. Selfish in every which way. I am in a mood to speak and to be heard. To hear as well. But there is silence at the other end of this static-inspired unreality. Not fear. Never fear. Why fear something that is there - at the other end of the phone conversation. Embrace it. Swallow and absorb the sorrow. Make this selfish moment a part of your being.

I'm going to remind you that this is no ordinary sorrow. This is Sadness. The meat and bones of a smile in the midst of tears that flow with no end in sight. With no light beyond the curtain of pain. Yet the smile, the most pitiful kind, emerges upon your lips and preys on your mind. This is what I wish to share.

In the middle of a crater of epic proportions, you're alone. With nary a sound in sight, rock and dirt engulf you in a frozen wave only barely dulled by time and centuries. Blood has flowed. And there you are, in the center. How does it feel to be all alone - separate from every creation only to be mired in the remnant of incomplete destruction?

Indulgence in sorrow, in mindless, helpless spirals out of control are cheap. It's that moment where you want to give up. No - not the time when you're tired. Hurt. Physically or emotionally shattered - where Giving Up is an action of a Gigantic Nature. No. This is when it's gone on far too long. Where you've given up a million times before. And now it's just about finding an end. A solution that isn't even that apparent or possible. The blockades in your mind form an infinitely high invisible wall that cannot be hacked or coded past. There is no way to turn off the clipping in your mind to cross this insurmountable barrier. The Stop sign backed by immutable rules set only within your subconscious that prevent you from grabbing onto the one thing that the mind is convinced is the solution.

To chain yourself with steel wire whilst the love of your life walks away in the arms of another.

To hold on to a shard of a memory that you destroyed with your own two hands.

To feel fury directed at a cosmos that allows you to self-destruct with unfaltering grace.

I am still convinced of the existence of love, if only by the realization of the extent of Hate. I do not believe that the human consciousness is capable of truly expressing it. Or detecting it - finding the representative needle in a haystack of carefully crafted emotions. Sold at your local Walmart. Buy 1 get 2 free.

I feel like I've spiralled out at this time. On the last ... ring of the spiral. Now I may head inwards - a reflection of my journey this far. Or I pause. Stop. End on this note. On this spot in the growing structure.

I love what I do not know and I miss what I have never had.

I follow that which I cannot see and obey those whom I may never hear.

Touch that which is not real and be touched by that which will not come near.

Insurance saves me. Obsession cures me. My will is the curtain behind which the rest of me waits. Patiently.

I want to write something more. Let this be said and noted.

Till I walk on the path that leads to that day.