Karmic Justice

There was a walk in the darkness earlier this evening. Well, not a whole lot earlier. Perhaps beginning an hour ago. Lasting for 20 or so minutes. Before the walk there was thought as I sat on the train. During the walk there was much thought. Two separate trains, of thought, that is. But thought all the same. And thought tha tshall be shared. In some measure at least.

I would like to fly next week. No - I'm not wishing to escape yet again. But a measured trip to a long-since chosen destination. But I won't - because I'm too busy thinking of monetary consequences that are really of no consequence. Fear will bind you and the truth shall set you free. this I speak to you from within the cage, behind bars of cold steel and hard, unbreakable conviction driven by revulsion at possible rejection upon escape from the chains that stay my movement.

Years ago, I was betrayed by someone that I cared about in general terms of a relationship. I felt the utmost of what I believed was love only to have it shattered first by indifference and then by the truth. Later, I succumbed to the devils of loneliness and indulged in a week of weakness, but this is not what I mean to speak of. I've always held the opinion that the actions of this person, this unforgivable she, could be related to no fault of mine - that I was wholly innocent. Yet, earlier this evening, I came upon the stark realization that perhaps I paved the path for these horrible actions through the rules of Karma and its justice system.

Thrice in my "committment," did I betray her - with no physical deed - merely mental and conscious of my thoughts. On three separate occasions, I did seek to shatter those bonds that I claimed to hold so dear. Like I said, there was no physical deed or anything close to it that ever took place. It was all in my own head, but I wonder tonight if, given the opportunity, I would have followed through and did what the mind wanted of me. Would I have translated the fleeting lust to cheap and tawdry action?

This does not make her any less of a filthy, fucking whore in my mind at any rate. A whore who should face every penalty and admit the fucking truth under vials of holy water like the demon temptress that she is ... I like to think and hope that I would not have acted, if anything, to be faithful to that she. Which is a weak excuse and train of thought. Maybe I'm as putrid and repugnant as she. Deserving of the scorn that I inspire in passers-by. This invisible, yet palpable projection that inspires, at best, polite but very reserved conversation, only as needs must dictate. This was my day.

It's no fun till someone dies.

Those are not my words. Yet again, I choose to quote someone in another world than I.

The other thought. That was a question of power that I seek. Personal power. Not something lame like being a super hero. Nor is it about exercising unlimited control over those around me. But being the God that I am - in control of myself and my existence. Of the Person that I am within the shapeless shell that is inhabited.

If I could find the words and the courage to speak, there is so much I would do. More so the words. And to a lesser extent the courage. To tell the person out there of their extreme importance to me. With no reason or consequence, to express how wholly crucial they are. Not merely to me, but to the world, for they are truly special and unique. Not they as in plural - this is purely singular. I would tell this person that the importance that is held is because they are wonderful in every possible way even though saying it sounds trite and stupid. Careless and ill-conceived in word and spirit. That ...

I don't want to die any time soon. Not yet at least.

Till next, a legacy brings me to return.