This hope is disturbing and new

I feel hope beyond this present darkness. Like I'm wearing this blindfold and am in the cold darkness, yet I can feel this light upon my skin. It isn't warm or anything of the sort. I may be imagining it. I see the same dreams in the darkness, but I'm thinking of something better. With one weight off my back, the rest of my mind fights on for a grip on a lost illusion. Like an amputated dream, it's a phantom creation within the space of my mind.

There isn't much that has changed right now. Other than things being tighter - the change that I've been trying to "avoid" has got to come soon before I collapse under the weight of the tower of a reality I hold above my head. This is what this is again - a late night attempt to forget this - like resorting to a drop of alcohol - it's a beautiful thing. That first moment that you know that it's reached your head - you're losing control and every decision you make ... well, you're not accountable anymore, are you?

I wish to be free of consequences - the ability to make a mistake and trigger a faux pas and then move on. Not to feel like an idiot for doing that thing that you shouldn't have done. I've lost that cryptic quality I aim for. I feel dumb. Where's that freedom I'm looking for? In the nearest bottle of vodka? Probably. The easy solution that the american dream speaks of.

Till the fubrid gets up off another park bench.