Under the watch of Big Brother Sun's Little Brother Moon

So - I don't talk much about this reality that is mine to experience. Or do I? I don't know - I was perusing through some other blogs the other day - perhaps it was last night. I felt like a bit of a voyeur as I learned little details about their disjointed lives. Stories are now mangled and are a bit of a mess - a firefighter who enjoyed listening to Beethoven became a Single mother working as a struggling paralegal type person in New Mexico.

But ... a short while ago, I tried writing - a story of my own. But I couldn't. It felt so forced and fake to be doing so. To even attempt to contrive a tale. I used to have it in me to write all these different ideas down. Concepts. People. Situations of the most beautiful depth and built from the most painful memories. Betrayal, sadness funelling into hate and destruction. Joy and passion converted into holy moments of beauty. I don't have that in me. Not right now, I don't. And it really hurts me to even ... confront the possibility.

I was - well, I don't know how I got to the point, but a song ran through my head - Smash Mouth, I think the name of the track was "All Star" and it - I feel so old. To think of that track and think of a memory and a person and a time and a good feeling and how it's all gone. Walking through a dismal parking lot at night, you just want to kick down an innocent trash receptacle or throw a brick at something that will shatter into a million pieces. Like a virgin heart, eh? ;D

And there's the desire to not go to sleep. One just wants to stay awake as if something great might happen and things will be better. Cause once sleep settles in, then you're locked in for another day of this. Like those little toys with the penguins on the slide down and then the escalator locks their pegs in and takes them back to the top again. I feel like that penguin. Waiting in a queue amongst the other plastic penguins to go back up to the top. Only I don't want to get on this escalator and go through this all tomorrow. I want to fly and leave now. To something different - hopefully better.

Till next the word is whispered in my ear.