You can't escape from your own mind

I have ... little that I have a right to complain about at this current moment. Past this, things may change violently. Well ... I have little to complain about that I am currently aware of. Not sure of how that should be phrased in order to be most ... accurate. Yet, I feel very uneasy. Extremely uncomfortable and for all the wrong reasons.

I don't know what it is that I am uneasy about - well, I do, but let me clarify. There are circumstances in this life that I have been forging. There are wants. Balanced with ... things that I don't want to encounter. I don't know if I'm purely uneasy cause I'm throwing the tantrum of a spoiled child. Or for a fear of something that I should very well be scared of.

I hate snide words. When someone says something that's just unnecessarily negative and somewhat malicious directed at me, but when it isn't really said with the intent that you can react to. Cause if you do - you're just overreacting. A hothead. There's only so much I can take sometimes. And now, that threshold is far lower. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide.

I feel so very alone. I I I I I. Once again, I'm sure of my own doing completely, I just feel adrift in a mental ocean. I have these sights and sounds and distractions from reality. Some that I "rely" on and others that I turn to and none of them provide the sustenance that I hunger for. I mean ... who can one Really speak and communicate with? An invisible audience, a fourth wall. What kind of reading does this make? Why would you be reading this? Ask yourself this. Normally these posts aren't of this nature. I think. You can be the judge.

You have come into existence for this writing now. I acknowledge your presence. Because if I say that you aren't there ... well that would be wrong ... it's actually a bit of a revelation. I mean, you obviously exist cause you're reading this. But if I said that "if someone were reading this" - those words would only be processed if that someone, you, were indeed reading this. Odd. Hard to encapsulate in these words.

Well not "exist" in the strictest of senses. Well, you would have to - even against my arguments otherwise. Right now, I'm the only one existing until someone else can prove their existence to me. If everything is a bolt of electricity in the brain. A pinch, a word, a smile - then what's a headache. Overload? How do you lower the load? Run less programs. Process less. Shut your eyes, close your ears and go to sleep. Will that really work? I don't think it has. Unless the brain keeps processing during the night enough to negate any positive result there.

I'll leave though I don't want to. I suppose it's one less shell to hide my lonliness in. This virtual place. Till it comes round again.